Beautiful You!

After working with women intimately, getting into their closets, seeing them try on clothing and helping them put themselves together in a way that brings out their best, I’ve discovered it’s their self-image that holds them back and keeps them from seeing themselves as beautiful. In our culture, it isn’t common for women to see themselves as beautiful or even accept that they are attractive.  Women somehow feel that they can’t accept a compliment and they brush it off without a thought because they don’t feel deserving of it.  But the irony is that by rejecting compliments, they’re rejecting their own beauty.  When they’re able to accept themselves as the gorgeous women they truly are, everything changes.

Why do I want you to see yourself as beautiful?  Why not just nice, pretty or mildly attractive?  Because when you’re beautiful, you’re being the best you can be.  Beautiful is about excellence.  You’re tapping into what makes you stand out and you feel a stronger connection to yourself.  It’s not merely superficial, but something that goes to your very core.

Think of a ripe, juicy orange ready to burst, a gorgeous rose in full bloom or an amazing, colorful sunset.  They are in their full glory, at their best because that’s the way they were made.  Nature didn’t create them to play small and only show half of their brilliance, just like God didn’t create you to hold yourself small and keep your gifts hidden.  Yet, as beautiful as the orange, the rose and the sunset are, they are not without imperfections – the orange may have a blemish or two on its skin, the rose has its prickly thorns and the view of the sunset may be obscured by the trees.  However, these imperfections do not take away from their beauty, but serve to make it more real to us.  It is with these imperfections that our humanity is reflected.  We are not perfect beings and for us to criticize ourselves because of our imperfections is for us to deny our humanity. Look past the imperfections and your true beauty will be revealed. When you can see your true beauty, despite what you consider to be your imperfections, you light the way for others to begin to see their own beauty.

Looking and feeling beautiful is about being in touch with who you are and reflecting your essence in how you present yourself to the world.  It’s a level of self-confident assurance as much as it is a personal style.  It’s that way of being that says “This is who I am.  Take it or leave it.”  With this self-assuredness, you can bet everyone around you will want to connect with you and be a part of your secret. They’ll want what you have, that certain something that they just can’t put their finger on.  You’ll inspire them to find it in themselves, just by being you!

Style AND Substance

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.”

– Leo Tolstoy

Every once in a while a celebrity comes along who looks gorgeous yet is very badly behaved.  Well, maybe more often these days, but I’m not naming names – I’m sure you can think of one.  They may have perfect skin, beautiful hair and a great body, but they lack integrity, morals or even the ability to treat others with respect.  Do we want to look like these women? Absolutely not!  While we can admire their outer beauty, their attitude keeps them disconnected from themselves and at a far distance from others.  This is not true, authentic beauty but merely a superficial interpretation of what these women think they should be.  They act this way because they are not being true to themselves and they are not happy with conforming to someone else’s rules.  If they could let go of what others think of them and let their own light shine, their world would be a different place.

Being beautiful is not about looking a certain way to please others.  It’s about bringing out the very best you, your authentic self.  It’s more than skin deep.  Beauty goes to your core and reflects who you are on the inside.  When you bring out the very best about you – inside and out – you create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.  It’s an equation that you can’t force, but must be stepped into authentically.

Stepping into your beauty is as much about stepping into a new mindset as it is a new wardrobe.  Dressing the part is only a piece of it, and when you step into a higher version of yourself you embrace your beauty and are ready to claim it.  Beauty is about an expansion that you feel when you give of yourself, and that expansion takes you to a whole new level.  When we feel negative thoughts about ourselves or others, we contract and go inward, keeping ourselves small and therefore holding everyone around us small.  When we can see the beauty in ourselves, we feel expansive and want to see the good and the beauty in those around us.  Our expansive attitude helps us to create the space for others to expand and step into their higher selves.  It’s not about competition, but more about inclusion.  It’s a win-win mentality that says you can be beautiful and everyone else can too!

Being beautiful is about honoring yourself while being in service to others.  Feeling a genuine desire to connect with people and to help them live better lives enriches your own experience and adds beauty and value to your life. Think of Princess Diana.  She was a true beauty on the outside, but her outreach to help others in need showed us her inner beauty and made her so much more gorgeous to the world.  She was more than just a pretty face – she had substance and that made her so much more beautiful.

Your Assignment:

Ask yourself what actions help you to feel great about yourself while helping others?

How can you create expansion in your attitude?

The Barbie Factor

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” – Judy Garland

When I was a girl I played with my Barbie dolls. From an early age I always wondered why Barbie’s waist was so tiny, yet she was so tall and voluptuous. She became the ideal for my friends and me as young girls, and served as a role model for how we thought women should look. I know I never measured up – with my short, dark hair, my expanding waistline and curves in what I felt were all the wrong places, it left me feeling that there was something wrong with me, and that I was somehow inferior. My best friend was tall and skinny, but she felt the same way I did. She couldn’t relate to Barbie’s unrealistic proportions any better than I could, although we both thought she was the role model we should aspire to. We compared ourselves to these dolls and the more we did, the more it chipped away at our self-esteem.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s and some of the celebrities of our time were Farrah Fawcett, Bo Derek, Cheryl Tiegs and Christy Brinkley. While they were all very different, one of the commonalities among them was how thin they were, yet voluptuous and sexy – much like the Barbies from years ago. I remember seeing posters in my brother’s room, as well as every other middle school aged boy at the time, of these women and just staring, wondering why I couldn’t look like that. It’s not that I had a real compelling desire to look like these sexpots, but it was the fact that all the boys seemed to be drooling over them and I felt that if I didn’t look like that, then somehow I was inferior and boys wouldn’t like me. Here I was, taller than most boys, starting to develop but struggling with my weight, and anything but confident. I was at a very impressionable age and the impression I got was that I needed to change, big time. The messages I was getting from all around me was that I was not acceptable the way that I was and that I better start doing something about it or I would never be good enough for boys to like me.

At the time I read Teen, Seventeen, Young Miss and other magazines geared towards pre-teens and teens. In the back were ads for modeling schools that read “Look Like a Model”. I clearly remember thinking that if I just filled out the form and sent it in then I could change the way I looked to be exactly like any model I chose – for me, it was a toss up between Cheryl Tiegs and Christy Brinkley. I could never decide, so the form never got sent in. I didn’t realize that I could look just like me – and still be model-worthy. My belief was that I had to change everything from my hair color to my size and everything in between. That disconnect stayed with me for a very long time.

Your Assignment: Ask yourself how your ideals of beauty and what you grew up thinking was beautiful have affected how you see yourself and feel about yourself.  How can you shift this to be more positive?

You Are Your Own Worst Enemy

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

In my work as an image consultant, I work with plenty of amazing, gorgeous women who are healthy, strong and sexy!  Yet when they come to my studio I hear about how big their hips are, how they don’t like their arms or their thighs, and a whole host of other complaints about their appearance.  They see what’s ‘wrong’ with them, but are often completely missing what their true assets are.  They don’t get that they’re beautiful, have a great shape or luminous skin.  With this glass half-empty mindset, they can only see themselves as unattractive and imperfect.  This creates a negative self-image, which causes negative self-talk and keeps the negative cycle in motion.

Men and women are both affected by self-image, but I’ve found that women fall prey to a negative self-image far too easily and let it stand in their way of success in business as well as success in life.  I have seen firsthand just how many women have low self-esteem and a poor self-image, and it’s simply baffling.  I meet many amazing women, but am always surprised by how quick they criticize themselves, referring to their ‘thunder thighs’, making fun of their pale skin, or thinking they don’t deserve to look great.  When you hold yourself small and put yourself last on your list, you are sending the message, to both yourself as well as the world around you, that you’re not good enough.  That thought reinforces your negative beliefs that make you right and you stay in that place of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Most women are so much more critical of themselves than they are of others and the impact this has on their lives is incredible.  Being critical of yourself holds you back from going for what you really want.  It keeps you from seeing your own beauty and your true potential.  It prevents you from taking risks.  It keeps you in jobs, relationships or situations that make you miserable.  It sucks the life right out of you and you don’t even realize it.

Where did you get the idea that you aren’t good enough?  Your low self-esteem and negative self-image come from multiple sources:

• Family
• Friends
• Television
• Magazines
  
• Movies

While you may grow up being told you were pretty, chances are there were some other factors playing into your opinion of your appearance that left you feeling doubtful.  Images of women in the media that don’t look like you can contribute to the belief that you, too, can’t be beautiful.  While this opinion seems to be prevalent, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Looking and feeling beautiful doesn’t come naturally to everyone.  In fact, it’s rare to find a woman who is beautiful, who claims her beauty and shines from the inside out, but it doesn’t have to be this way.  We were all created beautiful and it is our birthright to be beautiful both inside and out.  Being beautiful is not exclusive to models or celebrities – it’s something that each one of you is capable of achieving, even if it may seem very out of reach right now.

As a woman, it is your tendency to hold yourself small and spend time obsessing about the size of your hips or the wrinkles that appear on your face.  Never mind what others say about you, you become your own worst enemy with your negative self talk and the put-downs that run through your head daily.  You think it’s wrong to feel great about yourself, to be beautiful, to shine.  I’m here to tell you that the only thing that’s wrong is NOT to.  I want to encourage you to let go of your negative self-image and live the life you’ve always dreamed of!  It’s not only possible, but it can be easier than you may think.  It begins by saying “YES” to you.

It may seem indulgent, or even excessive to want to be beautiful, but I want to tell you that beautiful is what you’re created to be.  God doesn’t create women to be mediocre.  By stepping into your full, beautiful potential, you take a step towards making the world a better place to be.  You step into your power and away from tolerating things that no longer serve you.  You step into a place of service to others and away from being self-serving.  You step into something much bigger than you ever thought possible, and it feels like you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.  You step into making a difference for others and bringing happiness to those around you.  Being beautiful creates expansion and the more you give the more you receive.  Being beautiful is about being in a place of love and gratitude.  It’s about being present in the moment and getting the most out of every situation.  Beauty is not about being in a vacuum and looking great superficially – it’s about being beautiful, inside and out, and leaving your mark on the world in a wonderful and unique way.

Money Can’t Buy You Beauty

So much more than just superficial, beauty is something that cannot be bought but must be tapped in to.  Self-image can affect you on different levels, but one of the more tangible ways it affects how you behave is the money you spend on beauty products, diet aids, new clothes, designer handbags and more.  It’s easy to want that proverbial ‘quick fix’ and so in your moments of weakness you get lured into buying things you don’t need, often to impress people that you really don’t even like, and are encouraged to go into debt to ‘keep up with the Kardashians’.

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” – Sophia Loren

The advertising industry creates such appealing ads, with their svelte, sexy models that we buy into them, feeling that if only we used the same products as Isabella Rosselini or Heidi Klum then we’d have their amazing beauty, or if only we spent a month’s salary on a handbag then we’d have the same sex appeal as the half-naked model flanked by the hot men in the ad.  We’re set up to feel inadequate, and those feelings of inadequacy lead us to impulsive and very materialistic actions. Why do you think that the diet and cosmetics industries are both billion-dollar businesses?  They play to our insecurities and then offer ‘the solution’ that they promise will help us have the lives of our dreams.  Haven’t you ever thought ‘if only I could lose 20 pounds, have better skin, wear better clothes, etc. then I could have the perfect boyfriend, the perfect job, the perfect life’?  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Once you hand over your credit card, you may experience a moment of exhilaration, but the fact is that you’re not buying beauty but merely another ‘thing’.  And how many ‘things’ do you have at home right now that you thought were going to give you the perfect body, boost your confidence or bring you romance?  Chances are at least a few.  The feeling of not being good enough is enough to drive you to impulse spending and materialism that can sometimes border on extreme.  It doesn’t take much persuading when you go out shopping and see all the amazing things that you could buy to “make you a better person.”  It’s become all too easy to buy into the idea that if you just bought them all then you’d look gorgeous, men would love you and all your problems would go away.  But you couldn’t be more wrong.  This sense of materialism will only add to your problems in the form of huge credit card bills.  But mostly, it’s a short-lived high that will be followed by a much lower low, because now you have these bills – but nothing else has changed.

What will make a change for you is to boost your self-esteem and your confidence in yourself.  In a study by Lan Nguyen Chaplin (UniversityofIllinois Urbana-Champaign) and Deborah Roedder John (UniversityofMinnesota), they found that even a simple gesture to raise your self-esteem dramatically decreased materialism, which provides a temporary way to cope with insecurity.  Why not buy yourself some flowers, spend some time journaling or say a few meditations to get you in the right frame of mind?  It can help you connect to yourself so that you don’t need to fill the void by shopping or searching for that ‘quick fix’.

Your assignment: Determine what small act you could do to raise your self-esteem.  Focus your attention away from what you could buy and more on what you could do.  Doing something for others is a wonderful way to quickly boost your self-worth and make a difference for someone else in the process.  Or try just taking a few minute out of your day to exercise, listen to music or read a favorite book.  It really doesn’t take that much to change your perspective and help you to feel great about who you already are.  

The Key to Connection (or why I’m letting my daughter shave her head)

My 8-year old daughter is going to shave her head.  And yes, I’m fully supportive of her.

Several weeks ago my spirited, creative and strong-willed daughter announced that she wanted to shave her head to raise money to fight cancer for St. Baldrick’s Foundation.  She explained that one of her 2 BFF’s (the male in the triumverate that I have come to refer to as the 3 musketeers) was going to do it and she wanted to as well.

I had to sit with this for a while.  I didn’t really respond, but merely nodded my head in acknowledgement each time she mentioned it.  Ok, so Ronan’s going to do it.  Ok, it’s for a good cause.  Ok, it’s in a few weeks.  But inside I was thinking ‘over my dead body.’

Most parents would reluctantly agree to let their child shave their heads, especially if they’re not even a pre-teen, and ESPECIALLY if they happen to be a girl.  Yet somehow I knew it was the right thing to do for Ivy.

Ivy brought up shaving her head on multiple occasions.  Each time she announced that she ‘wanted to do something for someone else.’ I thought the sentiment was great but I wasn’t sure she was prepared for what would follow – having NO hair for a few months and perhaps suffering the wrath of some ill-intended kids who would make fun of her.  Her dad and I talked about it several times, and we gave her several (many) dramatic scenarios that were worst case scenarious (we felt it was our parental duty) and really got in her face about it.  After all, we know how cruel kids can be and while we think the cause is wonderful, we wanted to make sure that she wouldn’t suffer for it afterwards.

I had come to terms with the fact that she was going to do this and even sat down to create her web page last week.  She was inundated with donations and we were a bit surprised at the level of support she received.  The more support she has gotten the more excited she is to do this.  Yet the real excitement didn’t hit me until last weekend.

Contribution.  One of the key elements in my life that has made such a profound difference for me.  After suffering from low self-esteem for many years, I realize that one of the things that has made such a tremendous difference in my own life is to make a difference for others.  To feel that I’m part of something bigger than myself.  From my own personal experience I see how this experience can positively impact her for the rest of her life and help to shape her self-image as a generous, loving and selfless person.  Then I happened to pick up a copy of Tony Robbins “Awaken the Giant Within” and read his profound words:

The secret to living is giving.

Knowing who we are as people, no matter what our age, is defined by what we’ve done or said that somehow enhances the life of another.  By shaving her head, Ivy’s own personal sense of self is enriched, as well as her connection to those she is helping and – from an even bigger standpoint – to her connection to all of humanity. No longer is she a selfish girl only concerned for her own benefit, but she is giving a part of herself to help another.  What better lesson is there to be humbled, yet to sense how profoundly important we are, all at the same time.

So Ivy, go ahead and shave your head, girl.  Proud is not a big enough word to describe how I feel about it.  

Beautiful Quote

What Have You Done for YOU Lately?

 Now that the holidays are over it’s time to take a breather. You’ve probably been so busy doing everything for everyone else that you may have neglected yourself. Well, ladies, it’s time for a little TLC!

As women, we are often the caregivers for our family and we work hard to take care of those we love. Yet when we are constantly caring for others our tank becomes empty and our batteries need to be recharged. Taking time out to take care of ourselves can help us refill our tanks so that we have more to give. When we’re replenished we’re happier, more relaxed and able to take on life with a more positive attitude. Plus when we boost our image we boost our self confidence!

But where to start? If it’s been so long since you’ve taken time out just for yourself you don’t even know where to begin, here are a few suggestions to get you started. But don’t just stick to my list, take these and run wild!

1. Have your makeup updated for the new season – try new colors, techniques and products. Choose an afternoon where you have time to relax and indulge yourself so you’re not feeling rushed and ask for the works. Take note of application techniques and ask questions.  You can focus just on lipstick, eyes or your whole face.   Then buy only those products you know you’ll really use.

2. Reassess your lingerie – Do you still have bras from ten years ago? Ditch ‘em and take yourself for a bra fitting. Most lingerie boutiques and many department stores have knowledgable sales people who can help and make recommendations just for you. But don’t stop with bras. Take stock of your panties and give shapewear a try. Along with another year come new bumps and bulges. Shapewear can help smooth these out and have you looking slimmer and trimmer than ever.  And this time of year sales abound!

3. Have a fit – Do you have pants that drag the ground? Skirts that graze mid-calf? Jackets that are just enough too long that they make you look shorter? Then go through your closet and have those items that need alterations taken to the tailor. It’s amazing what alterations can do to boost your image and help your clothes fit like a glove.

4. Adorn Yourself – are you afraid of wearing accessories or don’t know where to start? Well it’s time you became in the know! Jewelry, scarves, handbags, hats and shoes are the quickest (and most fun!) way to update your look and create a polished image. Start small and create a “signature” item: if you find you really love bracelets then start a collection and wear several at once. If you love handcrafted earrings then build your outfits around them. You’ll create your own unique style in the process.

5. Don’t Lose Weight – Yes, you read that right! No matter what your weight, you’re beautiful right now! What, you can’t see it because you’re hiding behind that muu muu? Well it’s high time you packed those baggy sacks away and put on clothes that show YOU off. Focus on your best assets (your eyes, your legs, your hair, your smile!) and the rest will just melt into the background. Don’t forget accessories, but most importantly, wear your confidence – you are gorgeous! Don’t be surprised if you get asked, “have you lost weight?’ Simply smile and relish the attention!

6. Make a date with yourself – When’s the last time you put YOU on your schedule or your to-do list? I want to encourage you to schedule some time just for you this week. On your calendar, in pen. It could be an afternoon of shopping, a trip to the spa, a few quiet minutes to meditate or just some time spent at the bookstore reading magazines and sipping a steaming cup of tea. My point is that you don’t have to spend any money but you do need to make time in your life to reconnect with yourself.

7. Start a style journal – Write down ideas for outfits, paste in pictures of things you think are very YOU, record any drawings of details or accessories you’d like to look for. Take some time to think about your personal style and reflect on how it’s changed over the years. What common elements do you see? Do you feel your style needs an update? If so, what could you quickly and easily change that would give you a boost?

8. Pretend you’re a tourist – Dress up and wear your nicest dress, that hat you’ve been saving or that expensive blouse, and head out on a lunch date with your girlfriend, your man or even yourself. You don’t have to be in New York or Paris to dress like it! Wear things in a way you wouldn’t normally in your home town. Book a reservation at that little bistro you’ve been wanting to try. Sip champagne or have a cappuccino. Take the rest of the day off for sightseeing and shopping. Stop for tea and a pastry. Take pictures and see things in a new way. You’ll go home with a fresh perspective and an appreciation for being right where you are.

9. Have a spa night– Invite your girlfriends over or just powwow with your daughter. Have a special snack and do nails, tweeze brows, brush hair, play with makeup and give massages. It’s a nice “girls’ night in” and a great way to catch up on some personal grooming.

10. Organize Your Closet – Whether you work with a professional or want to tackle it yourself, spending some time to revamp your wardrobe and overhaul your closet is time well spent.  It can make getting dressed quick and easy, give you a new perspective on your style and yourself, and leave you feeling fabulous each time you go to your closet instead of feeling stressed-out.  Sort through your clothes and donate anything that doesn’t fit, doesn’t flatter or you just don’t like.  If you haven’t worn it in more than a year, pitch it!  Then organize your clothes by style, and within each style sort by color.  Treat yourself to some new hangers.  Plastic or flocked velvet are my favorites, but wood can be nice too.  Please, no more wire hangers!  Also, do what you can to make your closet more visually appealing.  Clear out clutter, put shoes in clear storage containers and ensure your closet looks as great as you’d like to when you emerge from it!

Taking some time out for yourself can leave you feeling refreshed and ready to tackle your to-do list with ease and grace.  I’d love to hear your favorite way to take time out for yourself.

Boundaries Can be Beautiful

Do you have clearly defined boundaries in your life?  The boundaries you set for yourself indicate your level of self-love and are essential to your well-being.  Having boundaries – and ensuring they’re enforced – is also critical to being empowered in your life.

Giving away your power means letting others violate your boundaries.  Perhaps you grew up without clearly defined boundaries, or a blurry idea of what they should look like.  Do you have someone in your life who is continually treating with you disrespect?  When you simply tolerate it you send the message that you’re not important and that they can treat you any way they want to.  It’s a very disempowering feeling that, over time, can really chip away at your self-worth and inner confidence.  Whatever the case may be, it’s time for a change.  It’s time to step into your power and take control of your life!

When those in your life don’t respect your boundaries and are constantly overstepping them, it can be a gut-wrenching feeling and a real, physical sensation.  Yet if you’ve been used to having your boundaries violated from an early age, this feeling may not register with you.  Our bodies are great navigational tools that are designed to keep us on track if we  pay attention, and to let us know when we’re veering off course.  My own personal experience in setting boundaries hasn’t always been strong, but through listening to my heart and my intuition, I have learned to sense when something is not right for me.

My own personal boundaries became very clear to me after my former husband moved out.  We were newly separated and when he would stop by to pick up the kids he just walked right in the door of the home we used to share without knocking, regardless of who was here or what I was doing.  I felt violated from the very first time he did it, and politely asked if he would knock first.  After several times of ignoring my request, I found myself screaming at him and letting him know this behavior was not ok, and that disregarding my feelings wasn’t ok, either.  He got the message and has ever since honored my request that he knock or ring the bell and wait until I answer the door before he enters the house.  It makes it much easier to communicate with him now because I know I am being respected and I am able to respect him as well.  It was very empowering to speak up for what is important to me, and while I don’t advocate screaming, sometimes you have to do what it takes to get the attention of those who are ignoring you.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
~Sonya Friedman

We all have boundaries in many areas of our lives – with friends, with children, with family and with clients.  Those boundaries define the behavior that we will and will not tolerate.  Whether others agree with your boundaries, or understand why you set them, isn’t nearly as important as whether or not they respect them.  By honoring your limits they are, in essence, honoring you.  When you can step up and ask for what you really want, you show that you value yourself.  Others will treat you the way you show them you should be treated.  When you allow your boundaries to be stepped all over and disregarded, you send the message that you do NOT value yourself and others will not value you either.

Stepping into your power comes from loving yourself and showing others that you feel you are worthy.  When your self-worth has been diminished, it becomes difficult for others to treat you better than you treat yourself.  Therefore you must own your power and show the world that your wants and your needs are important.  It’s not only ok to ask for what you want and need, it is essential to your well being.  And by having clear, defined boundaries you set the example for others to have clear, defined boundaries as well.  Honoring your self and knowing what is right for you can empower you to be the person you were meant to be.  And that’s a beautiful thing!

Your Assignment:

Ask yourself ‘How am I giving away my power?’  Determine what areas of your life you let others cross your boundaries, or where setting boundaries could help to empower you.

Take one step this week to strengthen your boundaries and see how much it can boost your confidence.  Setting clear, defined boundaries doesn’t necessarily mean spelling them out for all the world to see, but it does mean listening to your inner compass and knowing when someone has crossed them.  Speak up and let them know that this is where you draw the line and that you will no longer tolerate their behavior.  Then notice how you feel about yourself.  If you don’t respect and protect you, who will?

Beautiful Quote

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
- Audrey Hepburn