Boundaries Can be Beautiful

Do you have clearly defined boundaries in your life?  The boundaries you set for yourself indicate your level of self-love and are essential to your well-being.  Having boundaries – and ensuring they’re enforced – is also critical to being empowered in your life.

Giving away your power means letting others violate your boundaries.  Perhaps you grew up without clearly defined boundaries, or a blurry idea of what they should look like.  Do you have someone in your life who is continually treating with you disrespect?  When you simply tolerate it you send the message that you’re not important and that they can treat you any way they want to.  It’s a very disempowering feeling that, over time, can really chip away at your self-worth and inner confidence.  Whatever the case may be, it’s time for a change.  It’s time to step into your power and take control of your life!

When those in your life don’t respect your boundaries and are constantly overstepping them, it can be a gut-wrenching feeling and a real, physical sensation.  Yet if you’ve been used to having your boundaries violated from an early age, this feeling may not register with you.  Our bodies are great navigational tools that are designed to keep us on track if we  pay attention, and to let us know when we’re veering off course.  My own personal experience in setting boundaries hasn’t always been strong, but through listening to my heart and my intuition, I have learned to sense when something is not right for me.

My own personal boundaries became very clear to me after my former husband moved out.  We were newly separated and when he would stop by to pick up the kids he just walked right in the door of the home we used to share without knocking, regardless of who was here or what I was doing.  I felt violated from the very first time he did it, and politely asked if he would knock first.  After several times of ignoring my request, I found myself screaming at him and letting him know this behavior was not ok, and that disregarding my feelings wasn’t ok, either.  He got the message and has ever since honored my request that he knock or ring the bell and wait until I answer the door before he enters the house.  It makes it much easier to communicate with him now because I know I am being respected and I am able to respect him as well.  It was very empowering to speak up for what is important to me, and while I don’t advocate screaming, sometimes you have to do what it takes to get the attention of those who are ignoring you.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
~Sonya Friedman

We all have boundaries in many areas of our lives – with friends, with children, with family and with clients.  Those boundaries define the behavior that we will and will not tolerate.  Whether others agree with your boundaries, or understand why you set them, isn’t nearly as important as whether or not they respect them.  By honoring your limits they are, in essence, honoring you.  When you can step up and ask for what you really want, you show that you value yourself.  Others will treat you the way you show them you should be treated.  When you allow your boundaries to be stepped all over and disregarded, you send the message that you do NOT value yourself and others will not value you either.

Stepping into your power comes from loving yourself and showing others that you feel you are worthy.  When your self-worth has been diminished, it becomes difficult for others to treat you better than you treat yourself.  Therefore you must own your power and show the world that your wants and your needs are important.  It’s not only ok to ask for what you want and need, it is essential to your well being.  And by having clear, defined boundaries you set the example for others to have clear, defined boundaries as well.  Honoring your self and knowing what is right for you can empower you to be the person you were meant to be.  And that’s a beautiful thing!

Your Assignment:

Ask yourself ‘How am I giving away my power?’  Determine what areas of your life you let others cross your boundaries, or where setting boundaries could help to empower you.

Take one step this week to strengthen your boundaries and see how much it can boost your confidence.  Setting clear, defined boundaries doesn’t necessarily mean spelling them out for all the world to see, but it does mean listening to your inner compass and knowing when someone has crossed them.  Speak up and let them know that this is where you draw the line and that you will no longer tolerate their behavior.  Then notice how you feel about yourself.  If you don’t respect and protect you, who will?

I Go Home to Gather My Strength…I Gather My Strength to Go Home

Years ago I saw a piece or artwork from a local artist that expressed the above sentiment and it has stuck with me ever since.  It took a while for the meaning to really sink in, but when it did it struck a chord!  With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us this this is the perfect time to really look at what going home and being with family brings up for you.

Being with extended family can be a wonderful experience.  You know you can count on your family to always be there for you, to offer their unconditional love no matter what you look like, what your job status or whether your marriage survived another year or not.  It can be a source of comfort that helps you to feel that you’re O.K. and gives you a sense of peace that you’re not a total screw-up after all.  That is, unless it is a truly gut-wrenching experience.  Somehow family can bring out both your best and your worst, leaving you on an emotional roller coaster and making what should be a pleasurable experience, somewhat excruciating.  Going home to family, or even having family visit on your turf, can bring up all sorts of things – it can make you feel insecure about your home, your job, your spouse, your kids.  It can leave you feeling self-conscious about those 20 pounds you haven’t lost since last Thanksgiving.  It can leave you scrambling to look as good as your siblings, or even just as good as you’d like to look but forgot to take the time to pay attention this year.  Whew!  It’s enough to make you want to just stay home, wrap yourself in a snuggie and cook your own turkey.

But wait!  It doesn’t have to be such a harrowing experience that leaves you stressed out until, well, next year.  With a few small shifts you can tackle Thanksgiving feeling great about who you are, what you look like and everything else about your life.  Try one (or more) of these and see what a difference you can make for yourself and your entire family:

1/ It’s not all about you – With a family gathering looming, it’s prime time to obsess about your weight, your hair, your wardrobe and whether it stacks up to what everyone else will look like or have on.  I know this from experience.  I used to compare myself to my sister (and everyone else!) and was so concerned about whether what I wore met the standard that it left little time or energy for me to really connect with my family and enjoy their company. Step back and look at what’s great about you.  You’re an amazing, beautiful woman and I want you to be able to see it.  Once you do, you can then see the beauty in others.  Try greeting your siblings with a compliment – “You look gorgeous!” – and see how magical it can be to bestow a (genuine) compliment!  You’ll open up a line of communication and connection with the other person that busts through the superficial niceties and helps you to have a more meaningful interaction.

2/ Set an intention – Much like a yoga practice, time with family can leave you with many wonderful benefits when approached the right way.  Before you sit down at the table and become fodder for criticism, politically incorrect jabs or other comments that can make the whole experience go south in a matter of seconds, decide what you want to create.  Is it a sense of connection?  Community?  Or just surviving a meal without an argument?  Whatever your goal is you can circumvent ill-timed comments with a question.  Try asking “So what’s new and good?” or “What are you grateful for?”  Shifting the tone of the conversation can help to turn things around and get people talking about what they’re really excited or passionate about.  And excitement and passion can be highly contagious, creating the possibility to have everyone at the table laughing and bonding over some very simple things.

3/ Look your best – It may sound superficial, but it’s really not.  When you take time out to show up looking the way that makes you feel beautiful and powerful, you’re more able to be at your best.  This is not about showing off or spending all your cash on the hottest designer labels.  It is about presenting yourself as the gorgeous and confident woman you truly are.  When you’re confident about your appearance you can focus on what’s really important – spending time with loved ones.

4/ Lower your expectations – If you’ve had a complete life change, have suddenly started making more money or lost 50 pounds, I’d like to congratulate you.  However, your loved ones may not.  Don’t take it personally!  Often our family members want you to stay exactly the same as they’ve always known you.  Change can be scary and they may react negatively instead of praising you for your accomplishments.  It’s best just to show up and be your most gracious, treating them the same as you always have and not expecting anything different from them.

5/ Love them – Family can often ask the most personal and embarrasing questions, or make comments that sometimes seem like jabs.  Often they come from a place of fear and scarcity, feeling that you’re outgrowing them or leaving them behind.  When you can see that a negative comment is fear in disguise, it makes it easier to forgive the person and understand where they’re coming from.  Commit to just loving your family members no matter what they do or say and you’ll create a whole different dynamic.

How do you survive the holidays with your family?  I’d love to hear your secrets!

What Are You Waiting For?

In working with women over the years I have been privy to all the little jabs and negative self-talk that clients tell themselves, and I have to say that I’m not happy about it for several reasons. First, because we as women deserve to feel great about ourselves each and every day! And second, because that negative self talk turns into self-sabotage that prevents us from making the changes we’d really like to make to improve both our image and our outlook.

It’s the little things that we tell ourselves each and every day that add up to big differences in our lives. Putting ourselves and our lives ‘on hold’ indefinitely because we think we need to lose 10 pounds (or 50), we’re too busy, or we don’t think we can afford it begins to send the message that we’re not worthy, that we don’t deserve to change, that we aren’t good enough…our inner gremlins come out and simply take over, leaving us to feel, well, pretty bad about our selves and putting us that much further from living the life of our dreams.

What can you do about this? Well, for starters, you can simply make the decision that you’re going to take action right now and make a difference for you! Saying that you can’t change the way your dress, your hairstyle or anything about your appearance until you lose 25 pounds is equivalent of saying “I’m too fat and I don’t deserve to look good”, isn’t it? That’s enough to depress you right into polishing off another box of cookies, and just perpetuates this vicious cycle.

When you change your perspective and begin to do little things for yourself, treating yourself to a gorgeous new shade of lipstick, trying a new haircut that shows off your lovely face or buying a new dress that makes you feel sexy in the body you have right now, you say YES to you! You begin to see the beauty you already possess, you feel great and have a positive attitude that brings a new spark to your life. How cool is that?

If you find yourself still stuck in the same old patterns, feeling cranky and undeserving, here are a few tips you can try to help you say YES to YOU!

1/ Write a love note to yourself. Place it on your mirror so you see it first thing in the morning! Simply phrases such as “You are Gorgeous!”, “You ARE all that!” or “I love you!” are enough to begin to shift your perspective.

2/ Do something just because. Sign up for a class you’ve always wanted to take. Take a mental health day and go have a makeover. Buy a scarf because you LOVE it! Doing something to fulfill an inner desire and see how happy it makes you!

3/ Do something for someone else. Surprise a friend with an unsolicited compliment, treat your significant other to a romantic dinner in, pay it forward. Giving of yourself helps you to feel expansive in a loving way and feel great about yourself.

4/ Dress yourself for YOU! Forget about what you always wear, or what you think you SHOULD wear, wear what feels great to you! If that means stepping out and trying something totally new, go for it! Just make sure you love it and you’re wearing it for all the right reasons.

5/ Take care of you. When you take time out for a much needed massage, get a mani/pedi or have a facial, you allow yourself to be taken care of and it feels great. It will help you rejuvenate and have more to give to those around you!

So don’t wait. Embrace the amazing woman you are right now and say YES to yourself – no matter what your weight, your size or your outlook, life’s too short not to experience the little things that make it special – every day!

Image courtesy of Jessica Durrant.

Welcome to i am beautiful PROJECT!

What is the i am beautiful PROJECT? It is a global movement to help women of all ages claim their beauty, fuel their confidence and step into their power! It’s about time we stopped comparing ourselves to the unrealistic ideals of what beauty should look like and start redefining it on our own terms. It’s not about being vain or ego-centric – it is about accepting ourselves for who we are and finding what’s great about us that makes us unique.  Being beautiful is so much more than skin deep. It’s not about makeup, clothing or hair. It is about our attitude towards ourselves and how we show up in the world. It’s also about our inner light and letting it shine for all the world to see. It’s about sharing ourselves with the world, warts and all.

I created the i am beautiful PROJECT after my personal struggle with my own image and self-esteem for a great deal of my life. For a long time I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough to succeed in life. I thought only the ‘beautiful’ girls/women deserved to achieve their dreams, get the cute guy, have a fabulous career… It has been a lifelong journey for me to develop my sense of self-esteem and build my confidence.  In my work as a style coach I hear from women all the time about what’s ‘wrong’ with them, how they lack self-esteem and how they feel they could never look like the celebrities we see in magazines.  I now see that is all part of my purpose and now I am here to empower other women to feel beautiful in their own skin, value themselves and feel confident in who they are authentically.  We’re all born beautiful.  Sometimes it just takes a shift in attitude – or refreshing our style (or often a little bit of both) to see the gorgeous, amazing women we truly are!

I’d love to hear your story. What’s stopping you in your tracks? How do you feel about yourself? How would your life change if you woke up and said “I am beautiful!” to yourself in the mirror, and felt it with every fiber of your being?   You would be unstoppable!

Follow us for lots more to come!